Breaking Down
by Lady Revan
Summary: SW: KOTOR, LSF Revan and Carth: After encountering Malak on the Leviathan, Revan returns to Dantooine in search of answers.


**Breaking Down

* * *

**

I fell to my knees. Death, destruction, devastation… The planet was nothing more than a mass graveyard. And I felt responsible in ways I couldn't describe.

When I said I wanted to return to Dantooine, Canderous said I was crazy, that there was no point. Mission agreed, saying she had no interest in seeing another planet on fire. The others voiced no opinion. Not even Carth. Then again, Carth wasn't talking to me or anyone else. Ever since the Leviathan…

We were almost to Manaan when the Sith caught up with us. They had been tracking us since Korriban. Apparently members of the Sith military had reported our ship as the one that escaped Taris. After the ordeal, the torture, the battle, the fighting… after Malak told me who I supposedly really was, after Bastila sacrificed herself… it was expected that we'd head to Manaan and pick up where we left off. Just like that. Keep pushing forward like good little soldiers. But I didn't want to. I told Carth to head to Dantooine. I had to see if the Sith were telling the truth about destroying the planet, about me being… Revan. In the back of my mind I held a small glimmer of hope that Admiral Karath had been lying about the destruction, that Masters Vandar, Vrook, and Zhar were all still alive and could answer the only question on my mind. Bastila said Malak was telling the truth about me. Even Jolee said he knew. But I needed to hear it from the mouths of those who trained me, who lied to me, who used me like I was a fool.

The minute Dantooine came into view, I could see the smoke. The small planet was gray, the smoke clouds covering the planet's beauty. Admiral Karath was right. I couldn't speak. Carth asked me if we were landing, and I couldn't say anything. I just nodded, then left the cockpit. I didn't want to watch the decent.

Carth couldn't land at the Jedi training facility, instead finding a clear patch of grass near the ruins of what once was the Sandral Estate. I was the first one, maybe the only one, off the Ebon Hawk. I ran down the ramp, not even bothering to wait for anyone, or to ask if anyone was coming. I knew no one wanted to be there, so there was no point in asking.

The first thing I felt was death. I couldn't sense any life besides my friends. Smoke filled the air, and I could barely see the trees and hills on the Sandral property. The once-soft grass crunched as I walked. I could see the scorch marks left over from when the land was attacked. The air was warm from the brushfires, even warmer than Tatooine had been. I took my robe and gloves off, dropped them to the ground, and walked on wearing just my pants and undershirt.

I walked slowly, taking the destruction of the planet in. I didn't want to miss a detail. I couldn't help but feel responsible for the destruction. This happened because of the mission the Jedi Council sent us on, because of the visions Bastila and I shared. This happened because we were on a mission to destroy the Sith and bring an end to the reign of Malak. Was this revenge for what happened on Korriban, or a demonstration that the Sith were here to stay? Did the Sith take pride in destroying defenseless, peaceful planets?

I stopped and looked back at the rubble of the Sandral Estate. A family had lived there, a child who was to be married. Now they were dead… all of them. The feuding fathers, the daughter and son in love… everyone was dead. I thought of the people I met in the courtyard of the Jedi training facility. The father whose daughter was killed by Mandalorian pirates, the farmer and his wife, the aliens who found a home here… they were all dead.

I had to get to the Jedi training facility. I had to see if maybe they had all locked themselves in the basement, that they all survived and I was too far away to sense them. I used the Force to speed my steps. I had to get there. I had to hold out hope that maybe, just maybe they all survived, that Sasha would grow up to lead a full life, that the Sandrals and Matales would stop feuding and let their children lead a happy life together, that Yuthura would find the inner peace she was searching for and make amends with her past.

But when I reached where Elise had once been standing, waiting for her droid to return to her, I looked at the place I once called home, and fell to my knees.

There was no life. Everything was dead. I could see the corpses in the courtyard, the smoke rising from the training facility, the brushfire near the far end… I felt nothing but death. Through the Force, I could hear the echoing screams of innocent people as the Sith fire rained down. I tried to block the sounds. They only caused more pain.

I should have listened to Canderous. I should never have come.

I don't know how long I sat there just staring at the ruins of what used to be a safe haven. I didn't know what to think, what to say. The sun had started to set, but the fires continued to light the sky. I could have used the Force to put them out, but I didn't, and I don't know why. Instead I stood up and headed for the entrance of the ancient building, stepping around the burned bodies. I didn't bother to look and see if I recognized anyone. My eyesight was blurry because of tears welling in my eyes, and I couldn't gather enough strength in the Force to sense much of anything.

I headed straight for the entrance of the Jedi training facility. I could physically feel the heat the door was giving off, but I foolishly touched the door anyway, then cursed when I burned my hand. There was a fire on the other side, no doubt. I didn't even bother trying to sense if anyone was alive. I already knew no one was.

But the other door… the basement door, where I had hoped survivors might have gathered. I thought that maybe, just maybe there still were people alive. All I had left was hope. I still needed my questions answered, and even if everyone on Dantooine was dead, maybe the Jedi Archives in the facility basement could tell me something.

I turned around to head for the other door when I walked into something. My footing slipped on the soot-covered courtyard, and I started to fall backwards. Something grabbed my arm and helped me back to my feet. I looked straight ahead. Unless my eyes were playing tricks on me—which could very likely have been the case giving my current state—it was Carth who grabbed my arm, who prevented me from falling. I let out a faint gasp and just… stared.

"You okay?" he asked.

I didn't say anything. I looked at his face, then down at his hand holding my arm, then back up at him. Carth apologized, releasing his grip. We stood there looking at each other, only the sound of the burning fire and snapping twigs and branches breaking the uncomfortable silence.

"What are you doing here?" I asked with as much attitude as I could muster. I didn't come across as threatening or upset as I wanted, mainly because I didn't have the strength. I couldn't sense Carth was standing behind me, I couldn't sense there was a fire on the other side of the door until I burned my hand, like the heat didn't give it away…

Carth sighed. "I tried to follow after you… lost you when you ran off…" He shook his head. "Look, I just—"

"You just what?" I snapped.

"I wanted to come with you when we landed, but you ran off before I could say anything." His face fell. "I… I've walked a dead planet before. It's not something you should do alone. I wanted to make sure you'd be all right."

_Telos_. The word popped into my mind. I asked myself why hadn't I thought of Carth's home world before now, but didn't have an answer. I realized it must have been a punch in the gut to him when I insisted we come here. But he hadn't tried to stop me. He entered in the coordinates like a good pilot should and brought me to this graveyard. I felt my stomach turn.

"I'm… I'm sorry," he said when I hadn't replied. "If you want to be alone, we'll leave, but…" Carth looked down and to his right.

My brow furrowed, then I looked down, too, and saw T3-M4 standing next to Carth. I hadn't even seen him, and it scared me that I didn't know why. I looked back at Carth, not sure what to say, if anything.

"I've been here before, Serra. It's not—"

"No," I said. Tears filled my eyes, but I didn't know if it was smoke or the situation. "No, just… don't. I don't…" I didn't finish the sentence. I didn't want to say anything I'd regret later, if there was a later. Instead, I simply walked away and headed for the door leading to the basement of the complex.

"Serra, just listen to me," Carth called from behind. But I didn't listen. I just kept walking, stepping around fallen bodies. I felt sick, like I had done one too many laps on a swoop bike. I kept telling myself it was the ruined planet that was making me feel this way.

I was almost to where I met the grieving father when Carth called out again. "Everyone here is dead, Serra!"

"You don't know that!" I yelled back, then cursed at myself for replying. I continued to walk forward.

"I scanned the area with the ship's sensors myself," he said. "Trust me. No one's left."

_Trust me_. It was a funny phrase coming from him. The man didn't trust me enough to know that I wasn't the monster who terrorized an entire galaxy, yet I was supposed to trust him when it came to life signs on a planet. I wasn't about to throw all my hope away on a piece of technology that could be faulty. Carth did his own repairs to the Ebon Hawk, which is why the refresher sink only released hot water, the shower cold. A man who couldn't figure out plumbing wanted me to believe he read the ship's sensors correctly? I didn't believe him for a minute.

I heard Carth call to me a second time, his voice louder. He wasn't yelling, he was walking after me. I wanted to scream for him to leave me alone, to go back to the ship and take his pet droid with him. I didn't need him hovering over me, lecturing me again how I was the one who killed his wife, possibly adding that I killed everyone on this planet, too. I didn't need to hear the truth again.

"Serra, no one's down there," Carth said. "The Hawk's sensors didn't pick up any life signs, T3 isn't picking up any—"

"Just shut up!" I screamed, turning around. Carth stopped. T3 beeped and whirled backwards. "I don't—"

'I don't want to hear it'? 'I don't want to think about the possibility that no one survived'? I wasn't sure how to end the sentence, so I didn't. Carth didn't say anything, so I turned back around and headed for the door, doubling my footsteps to get their faster.

I reached the door, and it was surprisingly cool to the touch. But the mechanical lock wouldn't open. Maybe it had been locked from the inside. I decided that Carth and T3 were wrong, that T3's sensors had limited range, and I was going to prove it to them… as soon as I calmed down enough to open the door. I kept trying to get the locking mechanism to work, kept trying to focus and use the Force to help. But nothing I did worked. I had to get the door open, had to find survivors, had to get to the Jedi archives. I needed to see that someone else was Revan, that I wasn't responsible for the mass murders of countless innocents.

But the door wouldn't budge. I couldn't get the mechanical lock to work, or the release lever to move. I was hysterical by that point, and still couldn't channel enough of the Force to aid me. I felt helpless, that I had failed all over again.

I kicked the door and let out a cry of frustration, resting my forehead and the palms of my hands on the door. I heard T3 beep, but I didn't pay attention to what he said. The fate of the galaxy rested on my shoulders, and I couldn't open a door. Tears streamed down my face.

I felt a strong hand on the small of my back. Carth curled his arm around my waist and pulled me towards him. For some reason I let him. I didn't fight, I didn't protest, nothing. Instead, I rested the side of my head on his chest, wrapped my arms around his waist, and wept. I felt Carth rest his cheek on the top of my head as his free hand cup the back of my neck. He said nothing as he held me, nothing as I sobbed. It was a release from the stress, I lied to myself. I was crying for Dantooine, for Taris, for Telos, for any other worlds the Sith had ruined in Malak's name… or mine.

It felt like hours had passed, that I cried the night away while Carth held me. As my sobbing softened, I realized that this was the first time Carth had ever held me. I sniffed, and tried to calm down, tried to think clearly. But all I could think about that very moment was how good it felt to be held. I must have been crazy, to be standing in the middle of a destroyed sanctuary, dead bodies all around me, thinking about how good it felt to have his arms around me. I could hear the calm rhythm of Carth's heart beat, feel his chest rise and fall with every breath. I suddenly felt alive, that I could stand there forever listening to his heart, feeling his arms hold me tight.

All the death around me made me realize I didn't want to be alone, that I didn't want anything to be meaningless anymore. I focused on Carth, on the moment. Maybe there was still hope for our friendship, I thought. Carth followed me here, the only one to do so. He wouldn't've done that if he was still mad… would he?

I suddenly thought of Shen and Rahasia. Against their father's wishes, they chose to be together, to do so despite the family history. I wondered if they died together, holding each other like Carth was holding me. I felt envious of them, that they had something I might never have, that they died happy. Jedi weren't allowed to love. But even so, I had found myself enjoying Carth's playful teasing, blushing whenever he called me 'Beautiful.' I thought that we had something special, a connection that I didn't have with anyone else. We were making progress… But when Carth exploded in front of the crew, blaming me for the death of his wife and the corruption of his son, I feared that side of Carth would never surface again.

I squeezed my eyes tight. I wanted us to forget the pain we'd gone through over the past few months, to forget the Sith, the destruction of Dantooine, the truth behind my past. I wanted him to kiss me, to hold me even tighter as his lips moved against mine. I wanted him to make love to me, to cling to me, to let me run my hands through his hair, to touch him, to feel his naked body against mine. I wanted to lie in his arms all night, to be woken the next morning with a single kiss, and have everything between us be made right again.

I wanted to know that no matter what happened from that point forward, someone would always be there for me. I had my friends, but I wanted more… I needed to know that at least one thing, one person in my life would remain stable, would support me, would always be there for me.

I wanted to feel loved by someone.

I wanted that person to be Carth.

His arms loosened their hold around me. He asked me if I was okay, and I nodded. "You sure?" he asked.

Our eyes met. "No," I whispered.

Carth smiled. "I know how you feel."

_No, you don't_, I thought, then realized I wasn't even sure what I was referring to.

Carth unzipped his orange flight jacket, revealing a black shirt underneath. He draped his jacket around my shoulders. I wasn't cold, but thanked him anyway. The jacket was still warm, his scent lingering on the leather collar. I caught myself staring at his arms, his shoulders, trying to envision what his chest must look like underneath the shirt. I blinked, then quickly looked away, certain my cheeks had turned bright red.

"Come on," he said. "Let's head back to the Hawk." I nodded. I didn't know what to say, so I said nothing.

T3-M4 wheeled ahead of us as we left the Jedi training facility behind. I was exhausted, and wasn't sure if I'd make it back to the Ebon Hawk without collapsing. My emotions had drained me of energy. I thought maybe that was why I hadn't sensed Carth following me; I had been so focused on finding survivors, on needing to hear from the mouths of the council that Malak was right… I wanted to go back to the Ebon Hawk and lie in my bunk. I envisioned Carth lying next to me, holding me as I slept. But I knew that wouldn't happen.

I leaned against Carth as we walked. He lazily draped an arm around my waist, then gave me a gentle squeeze—maybe a sign of support—and I sighed. I closed my eyes and let him guide me back to the ship, hoping that things would get better, both with our Star Map journey, and between us.

Coming to Dantooine was a mistake, Canderous had said. But maybe some good came from it. At that point, I could only hope.


End file.
